https://dh.scu.edu/exhibits/files/original/68/2400/CraikCh2.pdf beb9da46aed851949579989829b5109c PDF Text Text 22 SELF-D EPEKDENt,F • 23 SELF-DEPENDENCE. ness, coarseness) strong -mindednesaJ down to the lowest depth of bloomerism, cigarette -smoking) and talking slang. CHAPTER And there are many good reason s, ingrained II. in the very tenderest core of womanJs nature) why this . should be . vVe are "the weake r vesselJJ-wh ether acknowledging it or not, most "' IP you want a thin bo• <lo11e J go yourself ; if of us feel this: it becomes manJs du ty an d de- no t, send.n light to show us honour accordingl y. This pithy axiom) of w h'1cl1 most men know the full value) is by no means so well appreciated by women. we learn, helplessness, On e of the very last things often through a course of miserable heart-burn ings) difficulties, contu- And this honour, dear as it may be to him to give, is still dearer to us to receive. Dependence is in itself an easy and pleasant thing : dependence upon one we love being p erhaps the very sweetest th ing in the world. To melie s, an d pam, · 1·s the lesson, taught to boys resign one's self totally and cont entedly into the from th eir school -day s) of self-dependence . hands of another; Its opposite, either plainly or impliedly) has been preached to us all our lives. p endent young lady n - take care of herself n have become tacitly « '' An inde- a woman who can and such-like phrases, suggestive of hoydenish- to have no lon ger any need of asserting one)s rights or one's personality, knowing that both are as precious to that oth er as they ever were to ourselves ; to cease takin o· t, thought about one's self at all, and rest safe, at ease, assured that in great things and small we �24 SELF-DEPENDENCE. 25 SELF-DEPENDENCE, shall be guided and cherishecl, gual'ded and fact) thoroughly '' taken care of"_ who, while most needing the exercise of self-d e- helped-in pendence, are usually the very last in whom it is how delicious is all this ! So delicious) that• it inculcat ed) or even permitted. From babyhood seems granted to very few of us, and to fewer they are given to understand that helpl essn ess is still as a perman ent condition of being. feminine and beautiful; Were it our ordinary lot, were every woman helpfuln ess) - except in certain received forms of manife station- un - li9'ing to have either father) brother) or husband, womanly and ugly. The boys may do a thou sand to watch over and protect things which are "not proper for littl e girl s.)) her, then, indeed, the harsh but salutary doctrine of self-dependence need never be heard of. And herein, I think, lies the gr eat mistak e at But it is not so. the root of most women's education, that the law In spite of the pretty ideals of poets, the -0f their existence is h eld to be, not Ri ght, but easy taken-for-granted of old-fashioned Propriety; a certain r eceived notion of woman- this fact remains hood, which has descended from certain excellent educators truths of female youth) patent to any person of common sense and ex- great-grandmothers, perienc e, that in the present day, whether volun- sorts of th eir descendant s) but totally ignoring ta r ily or not, one-half of our women are obliged the fact that each sex is composed of indi vi- to take care of themselves -obliged duals, differing in character almost to look solely admirably suited for some as much For to them selves for maintena nc e, position, occupa- from one another as from the opposite sex. tion) amusement, reputation) do we not continually find womani sh men and life. Of course I refer to the lar ge class for which these 'rhoughts are meant-the single women; masculine women? and some of the finest type s of character we have known amon ~ both .__, sexes, �26 SELF-DEPE NDE ~CE. 27 SELF- DEP EN D E-~C E • are they not often tho se who combine the . qua11~ ties of both? Therefore) there must be somewhere a standa rd of abstract right) including manhood and womanhood, and yet superior to either. One of the :first of its common laws, or common duties, is this of self-depend ence. ,~re ·women are, no less than men, each of us a distinct existence. In two out of the three great facts of our life we are certainly independent agent s, and all our life long we are accountable only, in the high est sense, to our own souls and the l\1aker of them. ' Is it natural, is it right even, that we should be expected- and be ready . • ·t to be left undon e ?• 1t, IS 1 Alack, most fre. · I quentl y, w hct her or not it ought to be, it is . Every one's experience may furni sh dozc~s of cases of poor women suddenly thro wn adn ft w1·aows ,v1'th families, orphan girls, reduc ed gen- tlewomen - clinging helpl essly to every mal e relative or friend th ey have, year after year; sink ing deeper in poverty or debt; eatin g th e bitter bread of charity, or compelled to bow an honest pride to the cruellest humili ations., every one of which might have been spared them by th e early practice of self-dependence. I once heard a lady say-a tend erly-re ared and. enough, too, for it is much the easiest way-to tender-hearted woman - th at if her riches made hang our consciences, dutie s) actions, opinions, themselves wings) as in th ese times riches ,rill, upon some one else- some individual, or some she did not know anything in the world that she aggregate of individual s yclept Society? Is this could turn her hand to, t o keep her self from Society to dravv up a code of regulations as to starving. A more pitiabl e} and, in some sense, what is proper for us to do, and what not? humbling confession) could hardly ha ve been 11/hich latter is supposed to be done for us ; if made ; yet it is tha t not of hundr ed8, bu t of not done, or th ere happ ens to be no one to do thousands) in England. �28 SELF'-DEPE:XDE!\CE. 29- SELF-DEPE::\IDE:KCE, Sometimes except ions arise : here is one: - Happily) the trade was one that Two young wom en) well educated and refined, personal publicity; requir ed no but th ey had to k eep th e ,vere left orphans) their father dying just when books, manage the stocl(J choose and superintend his business promised to realise a handsome pro- fit agents-to It was essentially a man's -rision for his family. business-in many points of view) decidedly an Of cours e friends thought "the unpleasant one. do things difficult) not to say dis- tasteful, to most women) and resi gn enjoyments that, to women of their refinement, must have cost daily self-denial. Yet they did it; they filled girls JJ must give it up) go out as governesses, their fath er's p]ace, depend mother in ease and luxury) neve r onc e compro- on relatives, or live in what genteel sustained their poverty the sale of the good -will might allow. mising their womanhood But the'' girls) ' were wiser. They argued : ((Ifwe rather enn obling the work by their doin g of it. had been boys) it would have been all rio-ht · we 0 ) Another case-diff by their delicat e work) but A erent) an<l yet alike. should have carried on the busine ss) and provided young girl) an elder sister) had to receiv e for for our moth er and the vvhole family . step-mother a woman who ought never to haYe women) weJll try it still. Being It is nothino• wrono-· 0 t) ) it is simp ly disagreeable. It needs common sense, activity) self-dependence. <lihgenccJ and have all these; lcarn .n young and what we have not, we will So these women vVe sen sible and well-educated laid aside their ness and plea sant idleness, pretty useless- and set to work. been any honest man's wife. Not waiting to be turne d out of her father's house, she dicl a left it, most daring and (<improper)) thing-she taking with her the brotlr@·s and sisters) -whom by this means only she brltSved she could lrnnn. SRYC from She settled them iu a Lond on loclo·ino· a11d t, CJ workc cl for them as a daily governess . C « Heaven �-30 SELF-DEPE?\.DENCE. SELF - D EPE::-'DENCE . helps those who help themselves ." From that day this girl never was dependent upon any human being j while during a long life she has helped and protected more than I could count-pupils .ancl pupils' children, friends and their children, besides brothers and sisters-in-law, nephews and 31 value therein is doubled and treb led, and society respects her accordingly. Even h er kindly male friends, no longer afraid that when the charm to their vanity of ((being of use to a lady" has died out, they shall be saddled with a perpetual claimant for all manner of advice and assistanc e ; nieces, dovvn to the slenderest tie of blood, or the first not always followed, and the second -even mere strangers. often accepted without And yet she has never gratitude-even th ey been anything but a poor governess, always in- yield an involuntary consideration to a lady dependent, al-ways able to assist others-because who gives them no more troub le than she can she never was z.nd never will be indebted to avoid, and is always capable of thinking any one, except for love while she lives, and acting for herself, so far as the natuntl restric- for a grave when she dies. l\fay she long possess tions anc.1decorums of her sex allow. True, th ese the one and want the oth er! have their limits, which it ,Yould be folly, if and And herein is answered the "cui bono?" of not worse, for her to attempt to p ass ; but a self-dependence, that its advantage s end not with certain fine instinct, which, we flatt er our sch-cs, t he original pos&essor . In thi s mnch -sufferi11 0 is native to us women) ·will generally indic ate world, a woman who can take care of herself She not the division between brave self-reliance an d bold a sumption. only ceases to be an unprotected female, a nui- Perhaps the line is most easily drawn, as in sance and a drag upon society, hut her working- most difficulties) at that point where duty ends can always take care of other people. �32 SELl ~-DEPENDENCE. S.ELJ:'- DErEXD};XCE 33 . and plea sure b egins. Thus) we shou ld respect one noticed , if the most sensitive) not dways the who) on a mission of m ercy or necessity, went through the low est portions Gallowgate; of St. Giles' or the we should be rath er disgusted if she did it for mere amus ement or bra vad o. All honour to the poor sempstress or g overness who traverses London night) hut the streets unguarded alone) at all hours of day or except b y h er own modesty; strong-minded female who would ven- tur e on a solitary expedition humours t o investigate the of Cremorn e Gard ens or Greenwich fair) though p erfect ly " respectable/' would be an exceedingly cond em n able sort of personage. justest or mos.,+- generous . I have seen ladies) no longer either young or pretty, at which) as mere plea- sures ) a woman has a right to he sitate j there at the idea of traYcrsing a ~treet's length at night, yet never hesitate at being "fetch ed )) by some female servant, who was both young; and pretty) and to ,,·horn the danger of the expedition ) or of the late retu rn alone, was by far the greate r of the t\ro. I hi:n-clmmvn anxious mother s, who would not for worlds be guilty of the indecorum of sending their daughters unchaperoned to the thc:1trc or a ball - and very right) too !- yet .send out some othe.:: woman's vouno· <lauo·hter J Th ere are many things shocked at cleren P . l\'I., O v J to the stand for a cab) or to the public-house for a supply for beer . It never is no single duty) whether or not it lies in the strikes them that the doctrine of female depend - ordinary ence ex.tendsbeyond them elves) " ·horn it suits so lin e of her sex, from which she ought to shrink , if it be plainly set b efore her. 1 '1.hose who are the strongest th e passive character of advocates for our sex, its claims, p roprieties ) and 1·estrictions) arc) I have often easily, and to whom it saves so much trouble . ' every woman be sl1e . t , serva.n or mistress) scm1)strcss or fine lady, should receive the '' IJrnt, ,f ,, . bl cc ion smta e to her degree ; or that th at either D �31 S t:I,!'- Dl:PEX 1) Ei'.\CE, SELF - DEPEXJ)EXCE each 011ght to hC' educated into <'qnal sc1f-clepcnd . lcctivcly) in different degrees; . allowing no one cncc . Let us, at lea~t, hold the halancc of ju ti-~~ to rust or lie idle, merely bccau:sc their even, nOL'allow an ovcr-consideraLion for the deli. is a woman . And, abo,·c all, let us lay the foun- cacy of one woman to trench on the right , con. dation of all real womanlines:; by tcac:hing om· vcnience~, anc.1hone:-:t frrli11~s of another. girls from their cradle that the pricclc -:;~ pea11 vVc must help ourselves. of social history, O\rJH.'l' ln this curious pha·e of decorous beauty, cha 'tity of mincl as ,rcll as is apparently body, exist' in themsclYes alone; that a si:n~lc- when marriage ceasing to become the common lot, and a happy hcartcc.land purc-min<l<'d woman may go through uncommon lot of all, we the world, like Spenser's Una, suffering, ind eed, mu st educate oue maidens jnto "hat is far better but neYcr defenceless ; foot -sore and smirched, than any blind clamour for i11-definec1 ((rig:hts"- but never tainted; into wha t ought always to be the foundationof trial:;) yet never eith er degraded or humiliat c<l, marriage the rights-duties. practice most And there is one, the silent of "·hich will secure to them ahno·t exposed, doubtles s, to many unless by her own act she humiliates herself. For hcm·cn's sake-for the sake of" ,roman- every right they can fairly need--tllc duty of sclf- hccle," the mo t heavenly th ing next angel hood, depcndcncc . X ot after any Amazonian fashion i (a~ men tell us when they arc courting us) and no mutilatino-0 of fair womanhood in order to assume the un natu r al armour of men; hut which it depends upon ourclrcs to make them brlicYc in all their livcs) -you ng girl ' , tru~l by the full exercise of cYery faculty , . . 11cctua l, WI.th which phy:·ncal, moral, an d mte yonr~ch·cs ; rely on yoursclre' ! Hea ven ha s endowed us all, severally aud col- yon keep the je·;i,-dof 1mrity in y~mr bo?o:.1, simply Be assured that no outward circum 'tanccs will harm you while �3(3 SELF- OLPEK DE.'.\CE. and are ever ready with the steadfast, clean The :1ge of chivalry, with all its benefits and right hand, of which, till you use it, you ncrcr hnrmful1H''SC,, is gone by, for u women. "\Yc know the strength, though it be only a woman's cannot now have men for our kni ghts -errant, cx- hand. pl'nding blood and life for our sake, while we l!1car not the world : it is often ju. tcr to us than we are to oursch·cs. lings the "weaker If in its harsh jost- p;oes to the wall" -a ' so many allege is sure to lrnppcn to a woman-y ou will almost alwavs fincl that this is not merclv . h,1\'C nothing to do but it idle on bulconie , and drop flowers on half-dead victors at tilt ancl tourney. Nor, on the other hand, arc "·e dressed-up dolls, pretty playthings, to be fought and scrambled for-petted, eare8sed, or flung ~ because of her sex, bu t from some inherent quali ~ies in herself, which, existing either in woman or man, would produce just the same result, pitiful ancl blameable, but usually more pitiful than blameable. Th e worlc.l is hard enough,for two-third. of it arc stru co 0•o·lin °· for the dear life 0 - " cuch for himself, ancl de'il tnk the hindmost j" but it has a rough sense of moral justice after all. Ancl whosoeYcrclcnicsthat, spite of all l!iuclrancc:; from individual ,rickec.lncss,tilerig/it shall not ultimately preYai1, impngns not alone human j u~ticc, but the j m;tice of God. out of window, as our several lords ancl masters may please. Life is much more equally divided between us and them. "\Vearc neither goclc.l e::;scs nor slaves; they are neither heroes nor semidemons: we ju st plod on together, men and "·omen alike, on the same road, where daily experience illustrates that Hudibras's keen truth) " The value of a thing I s ju st as much as it will brin•Y " t:, · And OUl' value is- exactly what we choose to make it. �38 SELF-DJ ~PEXDENCE. P erhaps at no age since Eve's were women J'atecl so exclu sively at their os;,•n per onal worth , apart from poetic flattery or tyrannica l depre - iciation; the at judged no time so entirely ~nd respected in world's history by thei1· individual merits , according to the respect which they earn for them selves. And ~hall we value and pinning h er conscience to his sleeve? Or, cYcn supp osing h e did like it, is a woman ' s divinity to be man-or Goel? ..\.ncl here, piercing to th e }'onnc.lation of all trnth- 1 think we may find the truth concern - ing -elf-dependence, ,rhich is only real and only yaluahlc when it~ root is not in self at all; when Shall we not rat h er accept our posi- its st rength is drawn not from man; bnt from so meanly t ion, difficult more .s l-hould er~, tran. fcrring :ill h er l)lll' dens t O h 1 as to consid er this un- ourselves just? 39 SELF-DEPE.\'DF.:XCE . than in deed, and the requiring from us TI'Orkl ever required before, hu t from its very diffi.culty rendered the more Let us not be afraid of men j for that, I suppose , lies at the root of all th ese amiable " Gentlemen such things ." unfem inin e." indi, idual soul proceeds, arn.l to whi ch alone it is accountable. As soon as any woman, old or youn~, once feds that, not as a ya3uc sentimental honourable ? 11esitations. that Higher and l) iyincr Source whence c,·c'l'V ' . don't " Gentlemen l\I y dear little <lo you think a man-a like such and fancy so and o foolish cowards, good man, in :rny re- iation of life, ever loYes a woman the more for rcvere11cing her thr le~s ? or likes her better for belief, hut as a, tangible, practical l::twof life, all weakness ends, all doubt d<'parts : she recognises the glory, honour, a11clbeauty of her existence j !'-hei~ no longer afraid of its l)ains ; she desires not to shift one atom of its responsibilities another . to She is content to take it j rn,t a-; it is, from the lrnncls of the All-Father; her only care being so to fulfil it, that "·hi le the "or lcl �40 SE LF - DEPE".\"l) EN CE , FE:.'iIALEPJWIIESSIO'XS, 41 at large may recognise and profit by her self ~ dcpcndcnccJ she herself) knowing that the utmost strengt h lies in t he deepest humility, recognises) solely ancl above all) her dependence Uj_.)On God. CIIAPTl~R II T. Gn..\ :'ITED the necessity of something to doJ and the ~clf-depcnclence required fol' its achievement, we may go on to the very obvious question - u hat is a woman to do ? A ancstion more easily asked than answered; J. and the nu merous replic~ to which, now curr c1tt in book) })amphlct, newspaper, and reYic,YJsuggc -ting everything possible and impossible) from compulsory wifohood in Australia to Yoluntary watchmaking at home) do at pre cnt rather confuse the ma.ttcr than otherwise. No doubt, out of these " many worcls/' which '' darken speech/' some plain word or two will one day tn.kc hapc � https://dh.scu.edu/exhibits/files/original/68/2400/CraikCh7.pdf ecfeedf54f555419808577b3c1877f77 PDF Text Text FE)IA.LE FRIENDSllIPS 164 165 • 'IHE l\IISTRESS OF A F,D1ILY. Her ch ildren arise up, and call her bl d. esse ' her husban d also, and he praiseth her. Many daugh ters have done virtuou sly but tl1ou excellest • ' them all. Favour is deceitful, and beautv• is vain., but a woman that feareth the Lord , she shall be praised. CHAPTER VII. Give her of th e fruit of her hands ; and let her own works praise her in the gates ." "And what is F riendship but a name , A. charm that lull s to sl eep , A shade that follows wealth and fame, And lea,·cs the wretch to weep ? " 'rurs remark, expressed too t ersely and intel- ligibly to be considered "poetry" must apply to the nobler sex. now-a-days, Few observant versons will allege against ours, that even in its lowest form our friendship is deceitful. Fickle it may be, weak, exaggerated, sentimental-the mere lath-and-plaster imitation of a palace great enough for a demigod to dwell in-but rarely false, 1)nrasitical, or diplomatic . it is The countless secondary motives which many men �166 FEUA LE l<'RIE~DSIIIl.>S. arc mean enough to have- nay, to own-ar e 1 a 1 but impossible to us '. imposs1 'ble f rom th very fault s of our nature -o ur f .- 1· . e . . . nvo 1ty, irra. t10nahty, and mcapacity to seize on more . than one idea . at the same t ime. In truth, a sad F"E)IALE FRIENDSHUS. 167 sex, down eYen to the far-famed ladies of Llan'\Yhen such a bond really docs exist, gollcn. from its exception to general masculine ic.liosyncra ies-espccially the enormous absorption in and devotion to Number One- from its total propor tion of us are too empty-headed to be absence of sentimentality, its undemonstrative- doubl e-min ded, too shaUow to be msmccre . . ness, clcpth, and power, a friendship between Nay, even the worst of us being more direct an~ simpl e of character t han men arc, our lightest friendsh ip - the merest passing liking that we decorate with that name - is, while it lasts, more tru e th an the generality of the so-called "fr iendships" of mankind. But- and thi s " but " will) I am aware, raise a whole nest of hornets - from our very peculiarities of temperament, women' s friendships are rarely or n ever so fir m) so ju st, or so enduring, as th ose of men - wizen you can find them. Dam on and Pythias, Orestes and Pyladcs, Brutus and Cassius-last and loveliest, David and Jona- th an, are pictures unmatched by any from our two men is a higher thing than between any t\Yowomen-nay, one of the highest and noblest sights in the whole world. Precisely as, were comparisons not as foolish as they arc odious, a truly good man, from the larger capacities of male nature both for virtue and vice, is, in one sense, more good t11an any good woman. But this question I leave to controversialists, who enjoy breaking their own b eads, or one another's, ove1· a bone contention which is usuallvJ not worth pic1<1ngafter all. Yet, though di~scnting from much of the romance talk eelabout fcmaie friendships ) believin 0o• that two-thirds of them spring from mere idle- �168 F.E:\IALE FRIEKD SIIIPS, FE:.',fALEFRIE~ DSill PS , besoin d'aimer Wh'lCh, for want of natu ral domestic ties m k h. ncss, or from that ' a cs t is one a temporary substitute ' Heaven veor·b'd I sho~d i so malign my sex as to say they are incapable 1G9 mockino-oat things more lest We be li()"b t of, 0 sacred than we are aware. And yet, it is not the real thing - not friend- of an emotion which, in its rio•ht formand pace t> 1 . but rather a kind of foreshadowing of love; ship, . as jealous, as exacting, as unre asoning - as ·w1ldly constitutes the strcn ooth , help , and sweetness of hapJ)Y and supremely miserable; ridiculously so many, many lives; to a looker-on, but to the parties concerned, as • J and the more so because it is one of the first sweetnesses we know. Probably th ere are few women who have not h ad some first frie11 dship , as delicious and almost as passionate as first love. it seldom does; It may not last- but at the time it is one of vivid and sincere as any after-passion into which the girl may fall ; for the time being, perhaps long after, colouring all h er world . Yet it i~ but a dream, to melt away like a dream when love appears ; or if it then wishes to keep up th e purest , most self-forgetful and self-denying its vitality at all, it must change its character, at tachments that the human heart can experience: temper its exactions, resign its rights : in short, with many , the neare st approximation to that be buried and come to life again in a totally feeling called love-I different form. mean love in its highest form, apar t from all selfishnesses and sensuousn esses -whi ch in all their after-life they willever kno w. Thi s girlish friend ship, however fleeting in it s chara cter, and romantic, even silly, in its manifestations) let us take heed how we make Afterwards, should Laura and ·Mat1lda, with a house to mind and a husbancl to fuss over, find them selves actually kissing the babies instead of one another - and managing t o exist for a year without meeting, or a month without letter-writing, yet feel life no blank, �170 FE )I ALE FR IENDSHIPS . 171 FE::IIALE F RIENDSIII PS. and affection a reality still- then th . en· attach. ment has taken its true shape as f .- d h. . ucn s 1p, shown itself capable of friendshii)'s d.1st·mgu1 .sh.mg of which the vital atmosphere is perfect liberty . h · ·t hould A bond, not of nature but of c oice, 1 s f~atu re -n amely, t enderness without appropria - having neither rights nor jealousies ; at once th e tion ; and t he women, younoo • or old, w1·11 1ove one another faithfu lly to the end of their lives. firmest and most independent of all human tics. P erh aps th is, which is the test of the senti- exist and be maintained calm, free, and clear, "Enough ," said Rasselas to I mlac ; " you convince me that no man can ever be a poet." ment, explains why we thus seldom attain to And truly, reviewing friendship in its pur est it, in its highest ph ase, because nature bas made essence, one is prone t o think that , in this us in all our feelings so intensely personal. We imperfect world of ours, no man - certainly no have instincts, passions, domestic affections, but woman- ever can be a friend. friendship is, str ictly speaking, none of the three. own some dozens ; from i\1rs. Granville Jones, It is-to borrow th e phr ase so misused by that who invites "a few friends "- And yet we all say two hundr ecl arch im-moralist, th at high--priest of intellectual - to pass with her a " social evening n -to self-worship, Goethe-a the poor costermongcr, who shouts after the n elective affinity, based up on the spiritual consanguinity, which, though little pugilistic sweep the familiar tragico-comie frequently co-existent with, is different from any saying : "H it him hard ; he's got no friends !" tie of instinct or blood-relationship. 'fherefore, And who that is not an utte r misanthr ope would neither the sanctiti es nor weaknesses of these refuse to those of his or her acquaintance that rightly appertain to it; its duties, immunities, persist in claiming it, the kindly t it le, and the benefits and pains, belong to a distinct sphere, vlcasant social charities which belong ther eto ? �172 FE:\IA LE F RIE NDSRI PS. 173 "fE)IALE FRIE)(DS !ill?S , "L ove 1s . sweet ' returned ·" , . Given or and so is friendship . when b . . three times three "dearest" ·t . ' , ' e 1 ever so infinitesima . unadulterated . l. m quantity, its qualit y IS sprmgmg , as, I rep eat, women's friendsh'1Pa1most always does sprin o, O' out of th at one-1·aca' d im. . puls1veness, .often wrong -headed , but rarely evil .. hearted, w1nch makes us at once so charmmO' . and so troublesome, and which, I fear, never wi~ be got out of us till we cease to be women, and become what men sometimes call us - and they well know they give us but too much need to be -an gels. persuade themselves and her that they come only to sec dear 13cssy; nevertheless, the fondness is real enough to outla st many both ers caused by said brothers, or even a cantank erous sister-in-law to end with . 1\liss Hopkins, that Nay, wh en middle-a ged and strong - minded " young lady" of blighted affections, and l\1rs. J enkins, that woman of sublime aspirati ons, who has unluckily " mated with a cl0\n1," coalesce against the opposite sex, fall into one another's arms and vow eternal fricnd shiµ - for a year; after ,i hicb , for five more, ye s, with all our folly, we are not false: not even when Lavinia Smith adores with all her innocent soul the condescending Celestina Jones, though meeting twenty years after as fat l\Irs. Brown and vulgar 1\1:rs. Green, they may with difficulty friends , who hone stly remembe r one another's Christian names : not when Bessy Thompson, blessed with three particul ar Iy nice brothers, owns likewise they make all their acquaintances able by their eternal enmity - uncomfort- even in this lamentable phase of the sentiment, it 1s more respectable than the time -serving, placc -hunt- mg, dinner -seeking devotion which i\Icssrs . Taµ~ arnl Tad1)ole choose to denominate " friend- ~kp." l\Ien 1nay lanp:h at us, and we descne it: �174 FE::\lALE FRIENDSilll'S, FEMALE FRIEND Silll'S, we arc often egr egious fools, but we ai·e h onest fools; and our folly, at least in this matter ' usually ends where theirs begins - with middle life, or marriage . It is the unmarried, the solitary, who al'e most prone to that sort of " sentimental'' friend ship with th eir own or the opposite :ex, which, though often most noble, unselfish, and itself-this, I 175 say, is an honourable and lovely sight . . ·c I o-rant Not less so the friendsb ip-ra1 , b , . "ble-wbich subsists between a yet quite poss1 . man and woman whom circumstances, or their ·asics, preclude from the slightest own 1.d.1osync1 chance of cvcI. "fallino·o in love." That such is in some forms ludicrous, in others friendships can exist, especially between persons of a certain temperamcnt and order of For two women, past earliest girl- mind, and remam for a lifetime, utterly pure, ho od, to be compl etely absorbed in one an- interfering with no rights, and transgrcssmg other, and make public demonstratio n of the no law of morals or society, most people's ob- fact, by car esses or quarr els, is so repugnant servation of life will t estify ; and he must take to common sense, th:1t where it ceases to be a very low view of human nature who dares to silly it becomes actually wrong. But to see say that these attachments, satirically termed two women, whom Provid ence has denied nearer " Platonic," are impossible. But, at the same ties, by a wise substitution making the best time, common sense must allow that they are and comforting one rare to find, and not the happiest always, "·hen a tendern ess often closer than found; because in some degree they are con- true, dangerous. of fate, loving, sustaining, anothe r, with that of sisters, because it has all the novelty of election which belongs to the conjugal tic trary to nature . Nature's law undoubtedly is, �176 177 FE :\1,-\.I,E FRIE XDSH l l'S , FE::\IAL E FRIE~DS ilIP S . tha t our nearest tics should be those of blood -fath er or brothe r, sister or mother-un til comes the closer one of marriao·c . and l·t lS . 'b , of marriage prefigured a grc:1ter mystery sti11, always, if not wrono• 't1·ful, when any 0 ' rather p1 extraneou s bond comes in between to forestall , Yhile allowing th at a treaty of friend ship , alone can ju dge th em, for He only knows th eir miseries, their t empt ations, and their wrongs. "p ure and simple," c~ exist between a man the entire affection th at a young man ouo-ht t) and woman- under peculiar circumstan ces, even to bring to his future wife, a young woman between a young man and a young woman-it I say ought-G od knmrs if must also be allowed that the experiment is dif- But, however fate, or folly,or ficult, often dangerous ; so dangerous, that the to her hu sband. th ey ever do! wickedne ss may int erfere to prevent it, not the less true is the undoub ted fact, that happy above all must be that marriage where neither hu sband nor wife ever had a friend so dear as one an other. After marriage, for either party to have or t o desire a dearer or closer friend than the ot her, is a state of thin gs so inconceivably de• plor able - the more errm g, the more deplorable - that it will not bear discussion. Such cases ther e are; but He who in the mystery matter-of-fact half of the world will not believe in it at all. Parents and guardians very natu- rally object t o a gentleman's "hanging up his hat" in their houses) or taking sentimental t" ilight rambles with their fair young daughters. They insist) and justly) that he ought to '' Come with a good will, or come not at all;" namely, as a mere acquaintance, a pleasant frien d of the family - the u:lwle family, or as a declared suitor. An d though this may fall rather h ard npon the young man) who has just a hundred N �178 FE~IALE FRIE NDSH IP S, FEi\IALE FRIENDSII IPS. 179 a-year, and, with every disposition towards flirt. and purer than itself, I think it would be all ing, the better for the world. a strong honor of matrimony - still, it is It may save both parties from , "\Vomen' s friendships with one another arc of fri tte ring away) in a score of false sentimental course free from all these perils, an d yet th ey lik ing s) the love that ought to belong but to haYc their own. wisest and best. one ; or, st ill worse, from committing or suffering what, b eginning blamelessly on either side, fr equ en tly ends in incurable pain, irremediable Ther efore it 011 is, gene rally speaking, those in life , with whom the love-pha e is past, or for whom it never existed, who may b est u se the right) which every pure and independent heart uncloubteclly ha s, of saying: "I take this man or ·woman for my friend: only a friend-neyer either more or less-wh om as such I mean to k eep to the encl of my days." And if more of these, who really know "·hat fri endship is, would have the morul courage to assert its dignity against the sneers of society, which which exists spiritually as ~rell as materia lly, and often independent of matter altogether; since we sec many a man wh o is mu ch more of a woman 1 and many a woman who woulcl certainly be the Wl'Ong. furthe r Th e wonderful law of sex- is loath to believe in anything hi~her "better-half" of any man who cared for h er - this law can r arely be withstood with impun ity. In most friends whose attachment is specially deep and lasting, we can usually trace a difference- of strong or weak, gay or grave) bril liant or solid -a nswer ing in some meastu·c to the difference of sex. Otherwi 'c, a close, all - engrossing fricnd-11ip between hro women would Reldom last long; or if it did) by their mutua l feminine weaknesses acting and reacti n g upon one another, "oultl most likely narrow the symp a- th1c::,,arnl ~ctcriorate the characte r of both. �180 FElV[ALE FH,IENDSHIPS. FE)'1ALE FRIENDSllIPS. Her ein lies the distinction - marked and in13.lienable- between friendship and love. The htt.er, being a natural ncc~~~ity,req1~iresbut tlte one, whom it absorbs and assimilates till the two ware of. 1· One simple fact exp ams the whole question-that 181 and limits those only can find . a~ who have in themselves the will and true frien is diverse , and often opposite characters, becomea capacity to be such. . A friend. Not perhaps unti l later life, until safe unity - according to divine ordinance, " one the follies, passions, and selfishnesses of youth flesh." have died out, do we- I mean especially we But friendship , to be friendship at all, must have an in dependent self"existence, capable women-recognise of gradations and varieties; for though we can responsibility awful as sweet, of possessing or of have but being a friend. one dearest friend, it would argue the inestimable blessing, the And though, not willing to run small power of either appreciating or loving to counter to the world's kindly custom, we may have only one friend. give that solemn title to many who do not ex- On the other hand, the a hare with many friends " has pa ssed into a proverb . Such a con- actly own it; though year by year the fierce experience of life, through death, circumst ance, or The gentleman change, narrows the circle of those who do own who in answer to his servant 's request to be it ; still that man or woman must have been very allowed t o go and " see a friend," cries :- unfortunate - perhaps, as there can be no result dition is mani festly impossible. ' ,v1thout a cause, worse than unfortunate-who, " Fetch me my coat, John ! Though the night be raw, I 'll see him too-the first I ever saw:" looking back on thirty, forty, or fifty years of c'-istcncc, cannot say from the hear t, " I thank · , than he 1s 1 w1sci this cynic, poor wretch ! spcaKs , God for my friends." �184, FEM:ALE FRIENDSHIPS . I said before, tha t the very clement . in true fri end ship lives and out of ' 185 FE:.\IALE FRIENDSHIPS. . w11ch h. h . w ic it can- not live at all, is perfect liberty. And here is one accusation which I must sorrowfully bring against women, as being much more guilty t h an men. VI e can keep a secret - Frie n dship once conceived should, li·ke 1ove,m . one sense last for ever. That it does not; that ay, against all satire, I protest we can-while in the worl d' s harsh wear and tear many a very sincere at tachment is slowly obliterated, or both pop! out it comes! and in the bitterness of in- parties grow out of it and cast it, like a snakehis ·wardsin mere thoughtlessness, and easy 1orgettmg last year' s skin - though that implies something of what is so easily healeGl.,a thousand things are of the snak e-n ature, I fear - arc facts too mourn- said and done for which nothing can ever atone. the confider remains our friend ; but if that tie ceases, vective, the pang of wounded feeling, or after~ 1' . But there is a third The lost friendship, which, once certain that it is fac t, as mournfully uncommon, ,:vhichneeds to be past all revival, ought to be buried as solemnly rememb ered likewise: we may lose the friend- ancl silently as a lost love, is cast out into the the fri endship we never can or ought to lose. open street for all the snarling curs of society to Active ly, it may exist no more ; but passively,it gnaw at and mangle, and all the contemptuous is jus t as binding as the first moment when we misogynists who pass by to point the finger at- pledge d it, as we believed, for ever. Its duties, " See what your grand. icleals all come to ! " fully common to be denied. like it s deligh ts, may have become a dead-letter; but none of it s claims or confidences have we ever afterwards th e smallest right to abjure or to brea k. Good women-dear my sisters! be our friend- ships false or true, wise or foolish, living or dead -let us at least learn to keep them sacred! l\1en are far better than we in this. Rarely will a man �186 FE::\I.ALEFRIENDSHIPS, FE)JALE FRIE~DSIIIPS voluntari ly 01· thought le sly betray a friend'E> con. fidcnce , either at the time or afterwards. Ile will say, even to hi s own wife: "I can't tell you this -I have no right tell you :" and if she has the lea st spark of good feeling, she will honour and love him all the dearer for so saying. More rar ely still will a man be heard, as women constantly . are, speaking ill of some friend who a little while before, whil e the fricnu.ship lasted, was all perfection. "l1at is necessary to be said he will say, but not a syllable more, leaving all the rest in that safe, still atmosphere, whereall good fructifies and evil perishes -the atmosphere of silence . into a fault, and do great harm, still, it never can d o so mu Ch harm as that horrible laxity and profligacy of speech which is at the root of half the quarrels) cruelties, and inj usticcs of the workl. And let every woman, old or young, in commencing a friendship) to the right thing name. be careful that it is she has given the ri ght If soJ let her enter upon it thoughtfully) earnestly, advisedly, as upon an engagement made for life, which in truth it i ; since, whether its duration be brief or long, it is a tangible reality, and, as such, must have its influence on Ay, above all things, wliat women need to learn in their friendships like all virtues carri ed to extremity, may grow is the sanctity of silence- silence in outward demonstration, silence nuder the total chronicle of existence, wherein no line can cYcr be quite blot ted out. Let h er, with the strength and comfort of it, prepare to take wronoto the outside world, bJ silence with rco-ard o the bm·dcn i determined, whatever the other may and often a delicate silence between one another. do, to fnlfil her own part, and act up to her About the greatest virtue a friend can have, js to own duty, absolutely ancl con cientiously, to the be able to hold her tongue; and though this, �• 188 FEiL\LE FRIENDSH IPS. GOSSl P . en d. Fo r truly , the greatest of all external bl essings is it to be able to lean your heart . agains t another heart, faithful, tende r, true, and tried . ' and record with a thankfulness that year" d ~ eepen instead of diminishing, " I have got a friend!" CHAPTER VII I . ONE of the wisest and best among our English ethical writers, the author of Companionsof my Solitude, says, apropos of gossip, that one half of the evil-speaking of the world arises, not from malice prepense, but from mere want of amusement. And I think we may even grant that in the other half, constitntecl small of mind or selfish in disposition, it is seldom worse than the natural falling back from large abstract interests, which they cannot understand, those which they can-alas! commonplace, and personal. upon only the narrow, � https://dh.scu.edu/exhibits/files/original/68/2400/CraikCh12.pdf a2ba8f45203b158d0d96c7cc5cf482cc PDF Text Text 314 315 GRO\YIXG OLD, LOST WO'.\IE:,.,. her power, when her dealings with Vice sink into a mere matter of individual opinion, pcronal dislike, or selfish fear of harm. For all offences , punishment, retributive and inevitable,must come; but punishment is one thing, revenge is another. O~rn only, who is Omniscient a~ well as Omni- CHAPTER XII. potent, can declare, "V cngeanec is 1lfine ." ,, 'D o ye think of the days that are gone, Jeanie, As ye sit by your fire at night? : ld b ·inu back the t.mc, Do ye wish that the morn wou i b . . , ' · Whenyour heart and your st e1) were so h"ht o 'I think of the days that are gone , Robin, .\nd of all that I joyed in th en ; Butthe brightest that ever arose on me, . , ,, I have never wished back again. Gnow-rno old! A tim e we talk of, aucl jcSt or · mora li c over, but fincl almost nnpo ss1·blc to reali'e-at least to ourselves. In others, we can . approach clearer : yet even then we arc ,cc its ~lowto recogni c it. ",rhat, 1 [i s So-au cl-so loo kmg . old, did you say ?. I mpo --ible ·' she is �31 7 GROW I NG OLD. 316 GROW I NG OLD . q:tc: young person : only a year older than I an t at would make her J.ust I · · · · Bless rn 1 am forgetting how time goes on. e. · Yes,"-with a f amt deprecat·lOn w h 1ch ' truth £ ·b·d contradict a d 1· o1 i s you to ) n po iteness to notice)- « I suppose we are neither of u s so young as we used to b " 1Vithout doubt ·t • . . e. ) I is a trymg crisis in a woman) s life-a sino-le ) . . t> woman s particularly-when she bcgms to suspect she is « not so ).oung as she us ed to be ; " that) after crying « Wolf)) ever since the respectable maturity of seventeen-as some young ladies are fond of doing, to the extreme amusement of their friends-the grim wolf, old age) is actually showing his teeth in the di _ ·n silver paper " my first gr ey hair/ ' old es l preserv viewedas a near approac hing reality ) is~ age, quiteanother thing. To feel that you have had your fair half at leastof the ordinary terms of years allotted to mortals;that you h ave no right to expect to be anyhandsomer, or stronger , or happier than you arenow; that you have climbed to the summit of life,whence the next step must necessarily be decadence ; - ay) though you do not feel it, thoughthe air may be as fr esh, and the view as grand-still, Slower or you know that it is so. faster,you are going down -hill. To those who go "hand -in-hand/ ' t:mce; and no courteo us blindn ess on the part of " And sleep thegither at the foot," these said friends) no alarmed indifference on her mvn) can neutralise the fact that he is, if ::;tillfar off) in sight . And) however charmingly poetical he may appear to sweet fourtccn-an<l-a-half, "ho w1itcs melancholy ,·(•r~C'5 :ihont "I wish I were agam a child/' or merry thrrC'-an<l-twenty,"h o it maybe a safer and sweeter descent· ) but I am writingfor those who have to make the descent alone. It is not a pleasant descent at the beginning . Whenyou find at parties that you arc not asked �318 319 GROWING OLD . GROvVING OLD. to dance as much as formerly and h· ' your partner are c iefly stout, middle-aged gentlemen d 1· Id ,~ s~ a s, who blush terribly and 1• · . . equn e a great deal of drawmg out . _ h . , w en you are " dear" -ed and patronised by stylish young chits who . . , were m thei r cradles when you were a grown woman; or . . d _ ou detect a covert smile on the face O Y w1tt10gly . . t ·locutor . or led by chance excitement ofyourmer ' ' ourself in an ul tra -youthful manner, to deport Y . . t· ct warns you that you are makmg somems rn :a1·culous Or catching in some strange lf n yourse · looking-glass the face that you are too familiar when some boy, who was your playthino- in withto notice much, ordinarily, you suddenly . 0 petticoats , has the impertinence to look over your becomeaware that it is not a young face ; that head, bearded and grand, or even to consult you it will never be a young face again ; that it on his love-affairs; -when you find your ac- willgradually alter and alter, until the known quaintance delicately abstaining from the term faceof your girlhood, whether plain or pretty, '' old maid" lovedor disliked, admired or despised, will have 1n your presence, or immediately qualifying it by an eager panegyric on the altogethervanished-n solitary sisterhood ;-when youwill, you cannot see it any more. servants address you as "lVfa'am," instead of "1\1:iss;" and if you ay, is vanished : look as There is no . denying the fact, and it ought are at all stout and comfortable-looking, strange to silence many an ill-natured shopkeepers persist in making out your bills to those unlucky ones who insist on rema mmg " Mrs. Blank," and pressing upon your notice "young ladies of a cert ain age," -that toys and perambulators . peop le the passing fron1 matu rity to middle age Rath er trying, too, when, in speaking of yourself as a" girl" -which, from long habit, you un- remark upon with most is so gradual, as to be almost imperceptible to the individual concerned. It is very difficult �322 desperately to the youth that . w1 11 not stay? and which) after all) is not such a ver·yprec1ous . or even a happy thing. 323 GROWING OLD. GROWING OLD. vVhy give herself such ball-costume is really becoming; but after thirty) it is the very last sort of attire that a lady cau assume with impunity. It is said that you can a world of trouble to deny or conceal her exact only make yourself look younger by dressing age) when half her acquaintance must either a little older than you really are; and truly I know it or guess it) or be supremelyindifferent haveseen many a woman look withered ancl old about it ? in the customary evening-dress which) being ·vvhy appear dressed-undressed ) the patt ern of her niece) unmarried,she thinks necessary to shiver in) the belle of the ball; annoying the eye with ,rhowould have appearecl fair as a sunshiny beauty either half withered or lono• overblown t> } Octoberday if she would on1y have done Nature and which in its prime would have been all the thejusticeto assume) in her autumn time) an lovelier for more concealment? autumna l livery. If she would on1y have the cynics would say-after I n this matter of dress) a word or two. There senseto believe that grey hair was meant to are two styles of costume which ladies past their softe n wrinklesand brighten faded checks) giving premiere Jeunesse are most prone to fall into : the same effect for which our youthful graud- one hardly knows which is the worst. Pcrhap', mothers wore powder·) that flimsy' li 0 ·ht-coloured though) it is the ultra-juvenile-such as the dresses, fripperieclover with trimmings) only suit insane juxtaposition of a yellow skin and white airyfigures and active rnotions · that a sober- tarlatane) or the anomalous a<loming of grey tintedsubstantial gown and a pretty cap will hair with artificial flowers. It, may he ques- anyday take away ten years from a lady's ap- tioned. whether at any age beyon<l l\\<'nty a l'l''\l"lll 0 ) ' '' ce;-a bove all, if she would observe thi::; �325 GROWI NG OLD. GROWI NG OLD. for undue exhibition th ereof, no point that is notice of what we wear, and' in . would like to appear graciou s whoseeyes we th e last so far as nature allows : andlove1Y t O ' . e otherwise. This, not easy when t h ings ar positively unbeautiful ough t ever, by any pre- perhaps,is the reason why we see so m11ny tence of fashion or custom, to be shown. . d women grow careless and " o1dunmarne . d" ·n their dress - " )Vhat does it fash10ne 1 signify?_ nobody cares." one grand rule of the toilet, always advisable, but after youth indispensable-that th . ts,, are by no Pe1 ona1 " porn means h oug good a warrant The other sort of dress, which, it must be o necl, is less frequent, is the dowdy style. • Peopl e saya thou gh not very soon-« Oh, I not a young woman now; it does not signify what I wear." ""\1/hetherth ey quite believe it us, and take 1 think a woman ought to care a little- a verylittle-for her self. Wi thout preaching up vanity,or undue waste of time over that most i anothe r question; but they say it - and act thanklessduty of adorning upon it when laziness or indifference prompts. body's pleasure in particular - Foolish women ! they forget, that if we have a ri()'ht and becomin bo· feeling to have b rea son at any time more than another to mind respectfor that personality which, as well as our our (( looks," it js when our looks are departing soul, Heaven gave us to make the best of ? from us . Youth can do almost anything in the Aud is it not our duty - considering the great t oilet - middle-age cannot; yet is none the less number of uncomely peopl e there are in the bound to present to her friends and society the world- to lessen it by each of us makin g most pleasing exterior she can. Ea:sy is it to herselfas little uncomc1y as sh e can ? ~o this when we have those about us who love one's self for no is it not still some �32G GROWING OLD. Because a lady ceases to dress youthfull has no £ y, she excuse or dressing u11t'1d1·1 . Y; and though h avmg found out th t a one general style suits both her person) her ta ste and h . . ) e1 convemence she k eeps to it ) an d. generally prefers mouldino' the fashion to herself, rather than herself to tho fashion )- still, that is no r eason why she shoulc: try 327 GROWI N G OLD, the ri sible nerves of one generation by ve left the ri sin g generation no Fifth senseha of November) in thu s voluntarily " making a Guyof herself." That slow, fine, and yet perceptible change ofmien and behaviour, natural and proper to advancingyears, is scarcely r educibl e to rule at all. It is but the out er reflecti on of an inward processof the mind. We only discover its full showing up to them th e out- of-date costume of importance by the absence of it, as notic eable in a anot her. person"w hho Neatness invariable; hues carefully as sue h very ' young ' manne1·" s, ha rmo nised, and as time advances, subsiding into whofalls into r apt ures of entht1siasm, and ex- a genera l unity of tone, softening and darkening pressesloudly every emotion in colour, until black, white, and grey alone Such a character, when r eal, is unobj ectionable, r emam , as the suitab le garb for old age : these nay , charming, in extre1ne y outh; bu t the great t hin gs imprnbabilityof its b eing real mak es it r ather are every woman's bound en duty to observe as long as she lives. sicknes s, or loneliness - No poverty} grief: tho se mental causes of her natu re. ludicrous,if not disag reeable, in mature age, when the passions die out or are quieted down, which act so strongly upon the external life- the sense of happin ess it self is calm , and the can ju stify any one (to use a phrase probably fullest, tenderest tide of which th e loving h eart soon t o be obsolete, when charity and common- is capable, may b e described by those " sti ll waters" which "run deep." �3.28 GROWING OLD, GROWI:\TGOLD. To " grow old gracefully " as h ' one, w o truly has exemplified her theorv h . ·J, as wntten and ex~ pressed it, is a good and beautiful th' mg; to grow old worthily, a better And th fi · e rst effort to that end · t 1 . Is no on y to r ecogmse, but to 329 .. ·son often requires half a lif etime A sensitiveper · hly used to this corporeal machine, ~~fu ocoog . to see, or, if not seeing, to . wholesome indifference both to its to attam a erfections and to learn at la st , defectsand P ' would acquire from any teacheiwhat nob odY · . nee that it is the mind alone which but expene , is of any consequence ; that with a good have faith in, the wisdom of that which we call temper , sincerity, and a moderate stock of brains change, yet which is in truth progression; to - or even the two former only - follow openly and fearlessly, in ourselves and bodycan in time be made useful, r espectabl e, our daily life, the same law which makes spring and agreeable, as a travelling-dress pa ss into summer, summer into autum n, autumn Manya one, who was absolutely plain in youth, into winter, pr eserving an especial beauty and thus grows pleasant and well-lookin g in declin- fitn ess in each of the four . ing years. You will hardly ever find anybody, become person ally reconciled to the fact of youth's departure; Yes, if women could only believe it, there is any sort of for the soul. not ugly in mind, who is repulsi vely ugly in a wonderful beauty even in growing old. The personafter middle life. charm of expression arising from softened temper So with the character. If a woman is ever to or rip ened in tellect, often amply atones for the bewiseor sensible the chances are that she will loss of form and colouring; and, consequently, have become so somewhere between thirty and to those who never could boast either of these forty . Her natural good qualities will h ave de- latter, yeare g ive more much than they take away. ' �330 GROWING GROWING OLD. veloped; her evil ones will have either been partly subdued) or have overgrown l 1·k 1er 1 e rampant weeds ; for, however we may talk about people being " not a whit altered'' as ever'' - tl1e same not one of us is, or can be, for long - a · t JUS . b . 331 OLD, me to one among the number . term " the pleasures of growmg Andthis rmgs ofwhatI may old.'' At our outs et, " to love" is the verb we are mostprone t o conJ·uo·ate . afterwards we discover, o ' the body we carry with us is the identical body first it is by no means the sole thattl1ough the ' verbin the grammar of life, or even the only one we were born with) or the one we supposed ours that implies (vide L ennie or lVIurr ay) "to seven years ago. to do, or to suffer." together, exactly the same; no more than that Therein, as in our spiritual b e, To know - · that is, to self which inhabits it, goes on a perpetual change acquire,to find out, to be able to trace and ap- and renewal: if this ceased, the result would be, preciatethe causes of thin gs, gradually b ecomes not permanence, but corruption. a necessity,an exquisite delight. I n moral and vVe begin to mental, as well as physical growth, it is im- taste the full meaning possible to remain describesthe other world as a place where " we stationary; advance, we r etrograde. improve" words! if we do not Talk of " too late to '' too old to learn," &c. ! Idle A human being should be improving of that promise which shallknow even as we are 1cnown ." this world, with all its burdens Nay, even and presentsitself in a ph ase of abstract pains, interest with every day of a lifetime; and will probably entirelyapart from ourselves and our small lot have to go on learning throughout all the ages therein,whether joyful or so1•rowful. V{e take of immortality. pleasure in tracing the lar ge workings of all things- more clearly appreh ended as we cease �332 333 GROWI NG OLD. GROWING OLD. to expect, or conduct ourselves a 'f h s l we expected t at Providence will appear as D ' eus ex machina for our own private benefit vV · e are able to pass out of our own small da·1 h . . 1y sp ere, and take interest in the marvellous . government of the umverse; to see the grand k. wor mgs of cause an d effect, the educing of good out f . o apparent evil,_ t_he clearing away of the knots in tangled . ly the abortive developments of a sucha1e on . . bl quality which, properly guided, rwht no e ' 0 • b· e:fi.tsincalculable to the individual resultsin en and to society. For, undoubtedly, the after - destm1es, general or individual, the wonderful experie nce of middle age. agency of time, change and progress in our- halfof life is the best working-time. Beautiful isyouth'senthusiasm, and grand are its achievements;but the most solid and permanent good is done by th e persistent strength and wide A principal agent in this is a bl essing which selves, in those surrounding us, and in the world rarelycomes till then-contentment: at large. resignation,a passive acquiescence in what can- We have lived just long enough to not mere catch a faint tone or two of the large harmonies notbe removed, but active contentment; of nature and fate - to trace the apparent plot and cheaply, too, by a p ersonal share in that and purpo se of our own life and that of others dai1yaccount of joy and pain, which the longer sufficiently to make us content to sit still and see one lives the more one sees is pretty equally the play played out. balancedin all lives. ' As I once heard said, a-we bought, Young people are happy- feel we should like to go on living, were it only enjoyecstatically, either in prospect or fruition , out of curiosity." "the top of life i" In small minds, thi s feeling expends itself in meddling, gossiping, scandal-mongcriug; but contented. but they are very seldom It is not possible. Not till the cloudymaze is half travelled through, and we �334 335 GROWING OLD. GRO°WIXGOLD. begin to see the ob'Ject and we be real] purpose of 1.t Y content. , can One great elemcnt in th. shame to grant th . is-nor let u think at which G d allow - con i t . o and nature a] o s s m the doubtful . marry or quc tion, "To not to marry?>> . . b emob h' . generally settled . tl1 o y t I tune • J e world's 1·c11 · e curiosity or 1mpertment meddling th erewith h . an end j which al . anng come to one is a great b woman II . oon to any .. er rclat10ns with th C Ot1lCl' 'C · . erce t bl b x 11nP . p 1 Y c anoo-e th cu· . c}rnractcr, or slo,1lr declmc. Thouo·h t} 1crc are exception, of old b her wit ever so sparkling, her influence ever sopureand true, she will often find her listener preferring bright eyes to intellectual conver - sation, and the satisfaction of his heart to the improvementof his mind. . ? hun. Pleasant as men's And who can blame society undoubtedly is ; honourable,well-informed gentlemen, who meet a lady on the easy neutral ground of mutual esteem, and take more pains to be agreeable to her than, unfortunately, her own sex fre- quently do; th ey arc, after all, but men. Not lovers who have become fJ.-JCll d• , and, fncnds . 1 w 10m no new love couId make "rn ·c from . one of them is really necessary to a woman's the fealty of years• , st i·11l·t usua 11.YhaJJ}Jens -he has probably either met, or lost, or found. If a woman wi-;]1rs to r Ct am . ]}('l' mankind-not ~- S\\'il\' ()\ l I' . an unnatural msh, c·, c·11·in the good and amiable> " ,]10 ]ia, c 1>cc·n l011~ used to attention and acllllirntion i11 soc·il'I\' - :-he• rnust <lo it she ]1as uy )!)('alls qui!C' d1ff<"l'<'lll rr:,111 all\ ]1it ]1C'rto <'Illploy<·cl. E11JI tlH·11,be l1appincss,except the one whom, by this time, Therefore, however uncomplimentary this may sound to those charming and devoted creatures, "hich of course they always are in ladi es' younglac1ic'- society, a lady past her youth mny be well content to let t hem go b efore th ey depart �336 837 GROW!XG OLD. of their own accord. I£ h ear t e waning coquette the ancient beauty as well as th ·di , ' e 01 nary woman, who has had her fair share of both lo,e • remind of the anecdote of the amwou ld fam bassadorin China. To him, tos sing sleepless and liking, must learn and show by her demean- " Sir, may I put to you, and will you ans,,-er, . bed, his old servant said : on h1s our she has learned that the only way to preserYe three questions? the unfeigned respect of the opposite sex, i by governthis world very well before you came letting them see that she can do without either into it?)) their attention or their admiration. Another youth's " Of course." source of contentment, which in fierce self-dependence it would be Yain to look for-is the recognition of one's own comparative unimportance F irst , did not the A]migbty and helplessness m the scale of fate . We begin by thinking we can do everything, and that everything rests with us to do; the merest trifle frets and disturb~ us J· the restless heart wearies itself with anxictie:; over its own futur e, the tender one o, er tlw "An d will H e not also do the same when you . ?" aregoneout of 1t . " I know that ." " Then, do you not think, ~ir, that He is c.\ble to goyernit ·while you are in it ? " The ambassador smiled assent, turned round, and lept calmly. Alas! it is the slowest and most painfu l lesson that Faith has to learn-Faith, not Indifference Many a young facl' -to do teadfastly and pati ently all that lies to <lo I see wearing the inde scribable Marilla-look her hand; and there leave it, believing that the futur es of those dear to it. - '' troubled about rnauy things"-" holll l .\lmightyi~ able to govern His own world . lt is said that we suffer less as we grow older z �338 GltOWING GitOWlNG OLD. on9 uu OLD. that pain, like joy, becomes dulled by repetition, Faithalready referred to, we have come to view or by the callousness that comes ·with ye . I a1s. 11 one sense this is true If the. • . . . re is no JOY1ike the joy of youth, the rapture of a first love, the thrill lifein its entirety, instea d of agonisingly puzzling of a first ambition, God's great mercy has also eye. And that calm twilight, which by nature's granted that there is no angui sh like youth's kindlylaw so soon begins to cre ep over the past, so tot al, so hopeless, blotting out earth throwsover all things a softened colouring which pain; over its disjointed parts, which are not, and were nevermeant to be, made wholly clear to mortal and heaven, falling down upon the whole being altogether tran scends and forbids like a stone. This never comes in after-lifeJ supposethere is h ard ly any woman with a good becau se the sufferer, if he or she have lived to heart and a clear conscience, who does not feel, any purpo se at all, has learned that God never on the whole, the infinite truth of the verses at meant any human being to be crushed under any the head of thi s p aper, and of the other tvrn calamity like a blindworm under a stone. verse s which I here add - partly regr et. I because a For lesser evils, the fact that our interests pleasant rhyme is a wholesome thing to cling gradually take a wider range, allows more scope about the memory, and partly in the hop e that for the healing power of compensation. some one may own or claim this anonymous our Also stronge st idiosyncrasies, our loves, hates, sympathies, song:- and prejudices, having assumed a more rational and softened shape, we do not present so many angles for the rough attrition of the world. Lik ewise, with the eye of that " ' Do ye think of th e h opes that are gone, Jeanie, As ye sit by your fire at nigh t? Do ye gather them up as they faded fast Like buds with an early blight?' �341 GROW I N G OLD, 340 GROWING OLD, fromfamily ties and restrictions, for this sort of , I think of the hopes that are gone, Robin, liberty is sadder than bond age, but she will be Aud I mourn not their stay was fleet ; For they fell as th e leaves of the red rose fall, mistress over herself- And were even in falling, sweet.' she will h ave learned to understand herself, menta lly and bodily. ' Do ye th ink of the friends that are gone, J eame, . Nor is this last a small advantag e, for it often tak es As ye sit by your fire at night? years to comprehend, and act upon when com- D o ye wish they were round you again once more prehende d, the phy sical p eculiar ities of one's own By the hearth that they made so bright?' ' I think of the friends that are gone, Robin, constitution. J\1uch valetudinarianism T hey are dear to my heart as then : among wome n arises from ign orance or neglect of the But the best and the dearest among them all I have never wished back again ! ' " commonestsanitary laws ; and indifference to Added to all these reasons, contentment faith ' ' that grand pr eservative of a h ealthy body, a cheerfulness, and the natura l calming down of well-controlled, healthy m ind. both p assions and emotions, which give a woman are more att ainabl e in mi ddle age than youth; greater capacity for usefulness in middle life and,therefore, the sort of h appin ess th ey brin g than in any previous portion of her existence, is - a solid, useful, available h appiness-is another - her greater independence. in her power th en, th an at any earlier period. By the Both of th ese more time she h as arrived at the half of those three- Andwhy ? Because she ha s ceased to th ink score-years-and-ten which form the largest avail- principally of h erself and h er own pleasures ; able limit of active life, she will generally have because, as I tr ied to show in a former chapt er, become, in the best sense of the term, her own happiness itself h as become to her an accidental mistre ss. thing, which th e good God 1nay give or ·with hold I do not mean as regards exemption �3-12 GRO'\VI NG OLD. GROWING OLD. as He sees n10st fit for her the work £ . - most adapted to or which He means to use her. generation. Th• . . lll her is conviction of b . . . emg at once an active and a passive o· . abent-self-working, worked th1 ough , and worked upon . 1 . - 1s sure y consecrat10n enough to form tho . "' peace, nay, the happmess , of any good , . woman s 1ife : enough, be it ever so solitary, to sustain it ~ntil the end. · l st humilitv for labours of lov e which levc), s1111p e J' or rather raise, all classes to one common sphere In what manner such a conviction should be fallen the bringing up of whole families, and to carried out, no one individual can venture to whom has tacitly been acconlcd the head ship of advise. the same, by the love and respect of more than VVomen's work is, in th'1s age, 1'f un- of womanhood. And many others, of whom the world knows nothing, who have taken the wisest course that any unmarried woman can take, and made for themselves a home and a position : some, as the ladi es Bountiful of a country nei gh bourhood; some, as elder sisters, on whom ha s defined, almoat unlimit ed, when the woman her- one generation thereof; self so chooses. painters, and profe ssional women generally, who herself; She alone can be a law unto deciding, acting according to the cn·- and some as writers, make the most of the special gift apparently allotted to them, believing that, be it great or cum stan ces in which her lot is placed. And have we not many who do so act ? small it is not theirs either to lose or to wast e, Women of property, whose name is a proverb but that they n1ust one day r ender up to the for generous and wise charities-whose Master His own, with usury. riches, carefully guid ed, :fl.owinto innumerable channels, freshen ing the whole land . Women of rank and influence, who use both, or lay aside both, in the ' ,~r ould that, in steacl of educating our young girls with the notion that they are to be wives, or nothino0 matrons J with an acknowledged I �344 position and duties o. .h . wit no positionand dut. at all-we could in t' l . ies s i mto them the p . . l tr t b rmc1pe ia 'a ove and before all th ' ey are to be women' 3-t5 GI-:.OW ING OLD. GROWING OLD. I able regret , a torment from which there is no escape bu t death. There is many a bridal chamber over which ought to be placed no vrnmen, whose character is of tl . , . 1en own makm~ and whose lot lies in their own hands. th rouo·h any £ r h · d o oo is m cpendence of mankind or adventurous misoo·amy. let peo I ' 0 • P e prate as th ·n ey w1 ' the woman was never born yet who other inscription than that well -known one ovel' would not cheerfully and proudly give herself any sense of real m arriag e, with all its sanctity, and her vvhole destiny into a worthy hand, at the beauty, and glory, should ever be driven to ente1· right time, and under fitting circumstances- such an accursed dool' ! that is, when her whole heart and conscience N:; accompanied and sanctified the gift. riage ou ght necessity, But mar- always to be a question not of but choice. Every girl ought to be the gate of Dante's hell: " Lasciate ogni sper anza, vo1· c1· 11 en t ra t" e. Goelforbid that any woman, in whose heart is But after the season of gro,ving old., there few,the time of old age; the withered face, the failing strength, the bodily powers comes, to a gradually sinking into incapacity for both us e- taught that a ha sty , loveless union, stamps upon fulness and enjoyment. her as foul dishonour as one of those connexions this season has its sad aspect to a woman who which omit the lega l ceremony altogether ; and has never married; that, howeve r pale, dreary, and toilsome a single ration dies out, p robab ly h as long since died out, life may be, unhappy married life must be tenfold retains no longer, nor can expect to r etain, any worse-an flesh-and-blood claim upon a single human being. ever-hauntiug temptation, an incur- I will no t say but that an d who, as her own gene- �346 GIW'iVI NG OLD, VVhen all the downward ties wh· h . d 1· . ic give to th ec me of life a rightf I I! e u comi.ort and th . · th ' e mterest Ill e new generation which b .- ·h . 11g tens lt with a perpetual hope, are to h . . h . e1 e1t er unknown 01. mdul 0 ·ed · h. n , o m c icuy on one side Of , . · course there are except.ions; where an aunt h b . as een almost like a mother, and a Iovino· and I bl ·o ovea e greataun t is as importan t a personage as any grand~other. But I speak of things in general. It GitOWlNG ·t be that the extreme loneliness ·which, And1 may . d f . off appears to an unmarried woman viewe a a1 ' e saddest of the inevitable result s as one of th of her lot, shall by that time have lost all its pain, and be regarded but as the quiet, dreamy hour "b etween the lights;" when the day's ·s done, and we lean back, closing our eyes, WOl'1{ 1 to think it all over before we finally go to rest, or to look forwarcl, in faith and hope, unto the a condition to which a sino·le wo o man must ~ake up her mind, that the close of her days Coming i\1orning. will be more or less solitary. best of all the IS 3-17 OLD. A finished life -a life which has made th e materials granted to it, and Yet there is a solitude which old age feelsto through which, be its web dark or bright, its be as natural and satisfying as that rest which pattern clear or clouded, can now be traced seems such an irksomeness to youth, but which plainly the hand of the Great D esigner; surely gradually grows into the best blessing of our this is worth living for? lives; and there is another solitude, so full of end it may be somc·what lonely ; though peace and hope, that it is like Jacob's sleep servant's and not a daughter's in the wilderness, at the foot of the ladder of the failing step ; th ough most likely it will be angels . strangers only who come about the dying bed, " All things are less dreadful than they seem." And though at its a arm may guide close the eyes that no hu sband ever kiss ed, and �L atel y pubfo:he 1l, in 2 vols. 2 1s. N O T II I N G 3-18 BY THE AUTHOR "A ,voMM:'s GROWI NG OLD. draw the shroud k. dl m Y over th b reast where n o child' s e poor withered head has e 1 . such a life · ver am · still is not to be .f d , , It d p1 ie , for it is a com p e e life. It has fulfilled its . and retu rns to th a·· . appointed course, e iver of all breath gave it. Nor will He foro•e . , pure as He up H. . I o tit when He counteth 1s Jewe s. On earth, too, for as much and as long as the happy dead, to whom all thino-s have long been 0 made equal' n eed remember1·n g·, sueh a 1ife will n ot have been lived i·n vam: . " O nly t he memory of the just 'l'HE E:r,,·n. OF" J OHN H ALI F AX, GENTLEMAN ," THOUGHTS ABOUTWO~rnN," &c . uw e cordi:illy 1·ccommend these volumes . 'l' _he 5:tm~ gr:iphie power, d~ep ealthfu l sentiment, and mnstedy execution, wluch place that heauu ful 1 1 John Hal ifax,' n,mong the E~lish classics, ar e everywhe re displayed ."- i! .]t: Chronicle. "'fh e success which atte nded '_J ~hn Hal ifax'.' has no d~ubt !ed to_the issue of , Nothing New,' two volumes, cons isting of a vanety of stones d1splaymg all those \ erioi· merits whi ch have made that work one of the _most popular of the day . ~} ·e is a force and truthfulness abo ut these ta les which mark them as the pro iet1·on of no ord inary m ind, and we cordia lly r ecommend them to the perusal dUC 1 of all lovers of fict •ion. "l~t - os • Al so , j ust published, MR. ATKINSON'S TRAVELS IN ORIENTAL AND ,¥ESTERN SIBE RIA, 1IONGOLIA, THE KIRGIIIS STEPPES, CHINESE TARTARY, AND CENTRAL ASIA . In one large volume , royal Svo ., embellished with upwards of Fifty Illustrations, includ ing numerous beautifully coloured Plates, from the Author 's original draw ings, and a map, 2l . 2s . bound . "B y virtue alike of its text and of its pictures, we place th is book of travel in t}le first rank among those illustrated gift-books now so much sought by the public. It is a valuable addition to the literature of travel : it is a fam ous conu·ibution, also, to the list of show-books for the presen t season."-Ezaminer. RIDES AND REVER IES OF JESOP Sl\1ITH. FARQ.UHAR BY MAR.TIN Sme lls sweet, and blossoms in the c!l!St." NE 'vV. TUPPER . 1 vol. 10s. 6d. "Mr . 'l'u pper's new work will do good set'Vice to his literary reputatio n. It is writte n in a th oi1ghtfu l, suggestive spil'it, and combines with lucidity and acuteness of ju dgment, freshness of fancy and elegance of sentiment. In its cheerful and instructive pages sound moral princip les are forcibly inculcateJ, and every-day truths acqui re an ai1· of novelty, and are rendered peculiarly at.ti_-a ctive by being exp ressed in that sententious and epigrammatic language wlu_ch s? la.1·gely contributed to the popularity of the author's former work, entitled Prov erbi al Philvsophy.' "-frlurning Post . M~E M OIR S OF BERA NG ER . WlHTTEN BY HH1SELF . En glish Copyr igh t Ed ition . 1 vol. with Portrait . 0 R P I-I A NS . By the Author of " MARGARET MA I T LAND . " 1 vol, Londo n :-P rinted by G. BAnCLA v, Castle St. Leicester Sq. HuRsTand P ublishe rs, Successors to 13 Great l\'farl borough Str eet . BLACKETT, HENRY CoLBURN, � Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Everyday Literature: An An(ti)thology of Women's Writing Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Amy Lueck and Fall 2020 ENGL168PW/WGST167 students Subject The topic of the resource Women's literary history and culture Description An account of the resource Digital copies of some of the women's writing held in SCU's Archives and Special Collections Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available SCU Archives and Special Collections Contributor An entity responsible for making contributions to the resource Summer Shetenhelm Type The nature or genre of the resource Collection Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource SCU Archives and Special Collections Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Excerpt from 'A woman's thoughts about women' Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Craik, Dinah Maria Mulock, 1826-1887, author. Subject The topic of the resource Women -- Social and moral questions. Description An account of the resource Excerpt from 'A woman's thoughts about women' printed in 1858 by Hurst and Blackett. This excerpt includes Chapter II: Self-Dependence; Chapter VII: Female Friendships; and Chapter XI: Growing Old. Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available Hurst and Blackett Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1858 Type The nature or genre of the resource text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource 78 pages Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context CraikThoughtsExcerpts.pdf Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived HQ1221 .C87 1858 Language A language of the resource English Relation A related resource Santa Clara University, Archives & Special Collections